Matthew 10:40-42
Everyone in our time is talking about the "breakdown of the family," especially those who represent Biblical fundamentalism. But there is something in all of us that feels the family is not what it used to be. Of course there are hundreds of ideas about why today’s families are broken. There are too many divorces and too many teenagers having babies. There are too many mothers working outside the home, but many welfare mothers not working outside the home and too many fathers are absent. Some people like to blame gay people for destroying the family. Some say poverty is destroying the family. Drugs and alcohol are destroying the family.
But there's one reason you probably haven't heard because nobody really quotes it very often, it is in today's Gospel reading: where Jesus is destroying the family. "For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one's foes will be members of one's own household." [Matt. 10:35]
As Pastor Guy pointed out last week… Most New Testament scholars agree that this passage reflects the reality of what was happening in Matthew's community of believers: families were being divided over some people’s commitment to Jesus. Matthew wrote out of this reality of pain and division. The family division is presented as though it was Jesus' purpose. In a way this interpretation gets Jesus off the hook, and tempers the harshness of his words. To those who were rejected by their families for believing that Jesus was the Messiah, and for following the Christian way, this was assurance that following Jesus was more important, more life-giving, than family ties.
Is this the only thing Jesus said about the family? What did Jesus say about family values? Jesus' teaching about divorce called both men and women to stay married -- and He allowed for no legal loopholes! Jesus quoted the Genesis creation story to uphold the lifetime monogamous commitment between a man and a woman.
But Jesus also said some very strange things about families, including his own. Jesus commended people for leaving families behind. James and John up and left their father to follow Jesus. When someone asked to tend to his father's burial before following, Jesus, Jesus said, "Follow me and let the dead bury their own dead." not only harsh, but impossible, it would seem. When Jesus' mother and brothers wanted to speak to Him, Jesus replied: "Who is my mother and who are my brothers" And pointing to His disciples, He said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." It became clear that Jesus was bringing a new definition of family beyond the bonds of blood and tradition. He treated outcasts as family and called His disciples "children" and "little ones." It is hard to find a portrait of the Christian family in the life and teaching of Jesus.
Indeed it is hard to find such families in the Bible. I realize I am moving into dangerous waters here, but please stay with me. We hear so much about "Christian Family Values" that we assume we could turn to almost any page of scripture and find them. We should also be able to find many examples of what a Christian family is like. But, think about it: what Biblical family would you choose as your model? Abraham fathered children by two women -- Hagar and Sarah. Jacob married Leah and Rachel, and also had children by two concubines. David, Israel's greatest king, will hardly do; he was married and so was Bathsheba when he took her for himself and made sure her husband was killed in battle. The man and woman who sing passionate sexual love for each other in Song of Songs were not even married. And one of the most beautiful portraits of love in the Bible is the relationship between David and Jonathan. Love remembered in David's moving lament when Jonathan was killed in battle: "I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan, your love to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women..." But those stories are from the Old Testament, we say. Then, who would we choose from the New? Joseph surely loved Mary, but we know little of their life together except their son caused them terrible distress before he was even a teenager. We do have evidence that one disciple, Simon Peter, was married -- because Jesus healed his mother-in-law. But that's not much help for the average family. Timothy, one of St. Paul's dearest co -workers, had a Greek father and a Jewish mother. We hear little about his father, but Paul praises Timothy's grandmother Eunice and his mother, Lois, for teaching him the faith. (Was Timothy raised by these two women?) We know of at least two married couples in the Book of Acts. Priscilla and Aquilla were commended as teachers and leaders. Ananais and Sapphira hoarded money that should have been given to the church. They fell dead at the apostles' feet. Now marriage didn't cause their death -- but it surely didn't assure faithful discipleship.
It may seem strange, but it is almost impossible to find a traditional Christian family in the Bible. But someone will surely protest: The Bible wasn't written as a sacred version of "Father Knows Best." The Bible isn't like those magazines in the grocery check out line -- "Seven Simple Steps to the Perfect Family." Or even Dr. Phil’s Family First. No, the Bible isn't like that. Then how can some people speak with absolute certainty about "Christian Family Values?" Where did they find them and how do they know?
If we are honest we will acknowledge that our family values are shaped by many memories of our own childhood (happy or tragic), the neighborhood where we grew up, our personal reactions to others, to ethnic diversity, to people in our lives, to our relationships in our family – and probably most importantly the relationships of adults who played major roles in our lives, and whose lives were shaped before we were even born. All of these things have shaped us and our values. Because of these factors, we feel comfortable in a certain value system. We feel that some families are better than others. We feel some cannot be valued at all. But personal feelings are not the same as Christian values.
Our sense of fairness and our rigid family boundaries may not even be close to the teachings of Jesus. We need to be at least as humble as St. Paul was when he struggled with the Corinthian church over matters of sexual morality. "Now concerning virgins," he wrote, "I have no command from the Lord, but I give my opinion..." Such humble honesty is refreshing!
If we claim authority from the Bible, we need to know what the Bible says. And what it doesn't say. Jesus said many different things about families, including his own. Ultimately Jesus knew the importance of family and expanded the definition of what a family could be. To many, this was threatening and divisive. To others, especially to people who do not live and may not ever live in a traditional family this is an invitation to new way of seeing life. Perhaps there are too many of us searching for family who have not grown up and away from our families’ of origin. Perhaps we need to find in faith the meaning and purpose of what it means to be the family of Christ on earth.
There is nothing particularly holy in the Bible about being married and having children. It was not what Jesus held up to be most important. When I was a hospital chaplain in Dubuque, Iowa I met Jenny. She was thirty something. Cute. A new mother with two little kids. Breast cancer. They found it too late, it had spread all over. She was dying. Jenny had only one request. "I know I’m going to die, chaplain. I need time to finish this. It's for my kids. Pray with me that God will give me the strength to finish it."She showed me the needlepoint pillow she was making for her children. It was an "alphabet blocks and apples" kind of thing. She knew she would not be there for them. Would not drop them off at kindergarten, would not see their baseball games, no weddings, no grandkids. Nothing.
She had this fantasy that her children would cherish this thing - sleep with it, snuggle it. Someday it might be lovingly put on display at her daughter’s wedding. Perhaps there would be a moment of silence. Some part of her would be there.
I was totally hooked. We prayed. We believed. A couple of days later I went to see her only to find the room filled with doctors and nurses. She was having violent convulsions and terrible pain. I watched while she died, it was a very hard death. As the door shut, the last thing I saw was the unfinished needlepoint lying on the floor.
I realized then that I had let myself get focused on something other than ministering to Jenny. She was so scared of dying that she focused on some needlepoint, I should have been assuring her that God is present in her suffering and in her pain, but I didn’t. Christianity is an Eastern religion. The earliest Christians were Hebrews. Semites. People of the East. They did not know how to separate mind from body. They were holistic before holistic was cool.
In our world we have separated mind from body to our great loss. Here in our world people starve, and abuse one another, and get so wrapped up in themselves but you will still hear them say, you know I love you "down deep inside." But that’s not real, there is no "deep down inside." Love is something you do, not something you feel. Likewise, we think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God’s existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith.
I have learned that it doesn’t matter in the least that I be convinced of God’s existence. Whether or not God exists is none of my business, really. What do I know of existence? I don’t even know how the DVD player works. What does matter is whether or not I am faithful. When I am faithful, I am living in response to that great unconditional love God gives me. Faithful is my favorite word, it still has some of its original shine. It still calls us to action. Here is the prayer that I have prayed for most of my life. It may surprise some of you, for others, it may be your prayer already.
God, I don’t have great faith, but I can be faithful. My belief in you may be seasonal, but my faithfulness will not. I will follow in the way of Christ. I will act as though my life and the lives of others matter. I will love as I have been loved..and work extra hard at loving my enemies, because the idea that there is a God who cares for us busts my heart wide open and causes me to want to share it with everyone. Amen.